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  “We're living through a golden age of sex toys, a kind of a renaissance where we have access to such incredibly well-constructed and innovative products,” said Ian Kerner, a sex counselor, psychotherapist, and author of She Comes First. “We're living through a golden age of sex toys." The trend shows no sign of stopping, either. A 2018 global market report projected the industry would reach $35 billion by 2023, tracing its growth to this repositioning and rebranding, and the public’s overall “increase in openness, drive for excitement and adventure, passion for quirky products and heightened desire for experimentation.”

  Culturally speaking, the sex toy stigma grows more extinct by the day. But it hasn't wholly disappeared. “The shame has lessened, but for some women buying a tool exclusively for their own sexual pleasure is still a big leap,” said Hallie Lieberman, author of Buzz: A Stimulating History of the Sex Toy. “A lot of women still don't think that they deserve that or that it will reflect poorly on who they are as a woman.” To be fair to us, counteracting centuries if not millennia of internalized shame from heteronormative patriarchal society is tough. Many of us might not even fully realize where our hesitation to experiment with sex toys really comes from. When sex toy company TENGA’s 2019 Self-Pleasure Report survey asked participants why they didn’t, 49 percent answered with a variety of expected anxieties and shame. But an overwhelming 54 percent simply said it was because they didn’t think they “needed” one. Judging from the well-documented gender disparity in orgasms in heterosexual intercourse, though, it’s clear our notions of who “needs” to (or gets to) feel satisfied in the bedroom is not equal.

  “One of the most common reactions to the thought of using sex toys if you haven’t before is, ‘Oh, those aren’t for me.’ At least, that’s the initial thought I had before I owned a vibrator and lubricant,” said Polly Rodriguez, now CEO and co-founder of her own sex toy company, Unbound. (Note: We’re mostly focusing on heterosexual women and couples here because TENGA’s survey and the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior conducted by Indiana University both suggest LGBTQ folks — especially those with labias — are way ahead of the curve, disproportionately making up the demographic already participating in the sex toy revolution. In this rare case, the straights need more help getting past a heteronormative shame. For LGBTQ folks looking for advice, both Unbound's and Dame’s blogs publish fantastic LGBTQ-focused guides.) Mashable Image The Crescendo is designed to fit a variety of bodies and sexual orientations. Scroll to the end for a full review. Credit: Mashable Composite: Mystery Vibe / Bob Al-Greene / Mashable As it turns out, despite years of slut walks and the anti-slut-shaming movement, the fear of being categorized as a hypersexual woman still rears its head. But not wanting to be one of “those” women who “needs” a sex toy goes even deeper than that.

  It comes back to the historied, outdated (not to mention heteronormative) belief that women’s pleasure should only come from a man, and that her sexual awakening should happen with him during intercourse. “It’s like, if I have to use this technology to get off, it feels like I’ve failed as a woman,” Lieberman explained. The focus on the phallus as a more “natural” form of female pleasure is why dildos that mimic the male anatomy were such a central focus of the sex toy industry for so long, despite the fact that many other types of toys — like those for clitoral stimulation — were found to be more satisfying to more women. Some of women’s sex toy shame can be blamed on Freud, Kerner said. He incorrectly theorized that clitoral orgasms were an immature state of a woman’s sexual development, with properly functioning females eventually maturing into vaginal orgasms. “He never described how this would happen,” said Kerner. “But there’s still this idea that somehow clitoral orgasms aren’t ‘real’ orgasms.” "If I have to use this technology to get off, it feels like I’ve failed as a woman.” Meanwhile, research suggests 37 percent of people with vaginas need clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm, while only 18 percent said penetration alone was enough. Yet the unrealistic ideals of what women’s pleasure should look like persists, despite being incompatible with how most people with vaginas reach climax.

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  “What I hear from some women is that introducing a vibrator into sex is an indirect admission that something is wrong, that the intercourse isn’t working. And rather than thinking, ‘Well, there’s probably a good reason for why it isn’t working for me,’ they instead internalize that as feeling sort of broken or defective,” said Kerner. “So you have a lot of women coming in and asking, ‘What's wrong with me? Why can't I get off the normal way?” This unconscious fear is closely tied to another common myth around sex toys: that they’ll replace human (presumably male) partners who can’t satisfy women as well as the technology. SEE ALSO: Why did Tinder make a show about the apocalypse? We drank margaritas and found out. Who can forget the Sex in the City episode when Charlotte needs a “Rabbit intervention” so she can stop getting off so much to her vibrator and go back to being in a real relationship. Lieberman even pointed to this trope being in one of the earliest Greek plays, Lysistrata, where women threaten to replace the men at war with dildos.

  In the modern age, the fear that women will become so addicted to toys manifests in memes comparing sex toys to partners, or even Cardi B in Hustlers boasting that her pink vibrator is the best and only boyfriend she will ever need. Mashable Image The Fin is a life-changing partnered sex vibrator. Scroll to the end for a full review. Credit: Mashable Composite: Dame / Bob Al-Greene / Mashable Women in heterosexual relationships still often worry that asking to introduce a vibrator or toy into the bedroom will make their partner feel emasculated. In his work with couples, though, Kerner has never found this to be the case, with “most men seeming very receptive to wanting to create experiences that are mutually pleasurable.” If that’s a particular worry, though, partnered sex toys can alleviate the stress of making it about your pleasure alone.

  The highly-rated (and also woman co-founded) Crescendo from MysteryVibe is ideal for beginners looking for versatility, designed for solo or partnered play, various positions, and various bodies and sexual orientations, too. For me, something as ingeniously simple, unintimidating, and Intuitive as Dame’s Fin was nothing short of revolutionary, leading to my first simultaneous orgasm with a partner ever. “The new wave of sex toys have opened people up to the idea that toys and masturbation are not in opposition to a relationship. It’s not one or the other. Women don’t have a limited amount of sexual energy,” said Lieberman. Still, the myth of sex toy “addiction” or that vibrators cause permanent desensitization or make it impossible to cum any other way persists. Luckily, there is zero empirical evidence to support these concerns. "Women don’t have a limited amount of sexual energy.” What’s funny, Lieberman noted, is that concerns over vibrators being addictive only started in the 1930s, once sex toys began being openly sold in markets rather than controlled by doctors. That’s when the concept of “dildo attachment” came into the conversation, which claimed to make women stop wanting sex with their husbands.

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  At worst, Kerner said, vigorous habitual use of a sex toy can simply cause over-familiarity with that specific intense sensation that can’t be replicated by a person. But that’s no different than men who develop difficulty climaxing during intercourse because they masturbate with a very tight grip that can’t be replicated during penetration. Both are easily fixed with a simple break. “Just stop using it for a few days. It’s not heroin. You can put it to the side, and use your hand or go manual with your partner, and it will return to being just as pleasurable,” said Lieberman. One legitimate health concern, however, relates to the type of material used for sex toys. Rodriguez emphasized the importance of medical-grade rather than food-grade silicone, since they often go inside the most absorbent parts of your body. Be very wary of buying anything on Amazon, which often sells knock offs. On the other hand (pun intended), what more masturbation can do is actually improve your capacity to orgasm in general, and give you the space to learn exactly what kind of touch and sensations you like, which you can then communicate to your partner. But outside of its benefits in partnered sex, the power of sex toys is about rediscovering what pleasure means and feels like to you alone. Mashable Image Vibe is one of the cheapest, most beloved beginner toys. Scroll to the end for a full review. Credit: Mashable Composite: Maude / Bob Al-Greene / MASHABLE “I think masturbation is one of the healthiest things we can do when it comes to understanding and appreciating our bodies. For me, and for many in our community, self-pleasure helps us reclaim our bodies for ourselves,” said Rodriguez.

  At 21, she underwent menopause after a cancer diagnosis and dealt with feeling estranged from her body. “For many who experience trauma, it can be a truly healing process to redefine your sexuality for yourself.” Another more practical concern for first-time sex toy buyers, found in both the TENGA survey and Unbound’s own community survey, was price. Quality toys can be an investment, and the sheer variety of different types, sensations, and textures can feel paralyzing when you have no reference point for what you like. That’s why the best first toys are reasonably priced, straightforward, and versatile (scroll to the bottom for our best recommendations). People with labias often find the most success when starting with clitoral stimulators like bullets or lipstick vibes. Unbound has a quarterly, affordable subscription box designed for newbies trying to expand their erotic repertoire.

  One revolutionary policy Dame made in order to help get over this barrier to entry goes radically against a key industry-standard: They accept returns. (Unbound accepts partial returns for used toys). “First of all, be proud of yourself for buying the toy.” Their policy changed after CEO Alexandra Fine and her co-founder reevaluated the reasons behind this industry standard, which claims that returns are unhygienic. But the more they thought about it, it became clear that other companies accepted returns despite their product being unhygienic to resell, like Casper mattresses and Thinx panties. “What that kind of policy is almost saying is, ‘Hey, your vagina is disgusting. Obviously, we can’t take returns.’ That in itself has shame built into it, and is counter to us creating a shame-free experience,” said Fine. “We want you to feel comfortable letting us know that something didn't work for you. Then, we can help you find something that does.” Still, even when we can get over all those initial walls of shame and finally buy a sex toy, it’s very normal to then face a whole other wave of shame while actually using it. But there are lots of ways to get past that, too.